Digital collage by Jenn Darby August 23, 2020
Title: "Big eyed five head Jenn looking deep into your soul and slightly judging"
Today is my half birthday. I am forty nine and a half, in human years of course. Lately when I am asked my age, my response is to draw an infinity symbol in the air and respond "infinity."
I had grand plans for today. You see, this was going to be the summer where I was going to make some serious money. I had this awesome job where I was going to travel to conventions and festivals. I would make a living wage, plus tips and even a nightly per diem which exceeded what I am accustomed to living on.
But, yeah, the rona screwed that all up.
I was going to have the birthday party I couldn't have in February. It was going to be an outdoor affair. Bouncy house. Massive bonfire. I was going to make the doll cake that I always wanted.
Nope. Not this year.
Probably never, and that's ok. It would have been a lot of work and I probably wouldn't have been able to fully enjoy it. Hell, I probably would have been too tired to even have the party in the first place because that job was excruciating.
I completed my first full week as a school photographer. I love the work. I am amazed that I am able to fit all of the equipment into my Beetle. It is definitely snug in my bug when I go to work. A green screen and a bunch of tripods ride shotgun. I pray no one runs into me because there is so much shit in my car that I will surely get impaled or trapped.
I try not to think about it. I try not to think that I only get twenty five cents a mile for driving, when I see I have broken off another piece in my car. The latch on my hood broke a couple weeks ago. We tried to fix it, but it still isn't working. Bungee cords work for now.
I am trying to socialize a little bit but it makes me nervous. After being in a cafeteria full of children eating lunch, I decided I better go out and do something fun. That way if I come down with the rona, I won't be resentful of my job. Being around people is hard. Conversations are difficult. I have to learn fake nice conversational stuff. Small talk. I don't have kids to talk about. No partner. I don't watch TV. I sure as hell don't want to talk about current events. I can only offer so many cute anecdotes about my cat. So yeah, shy. I'm really shy and not much of a talker. We will just call it that and go on. I am certain if I do talk, I will probably say the wrong thing.
I really should quit thinking so much.
But, man, there is so much to think about.
Digital collage by Jenn Darby August 22, 2020
Title "Angst2020"
My mind holds on to these messages that rattle around. Replays them over and over and over and over and over and over. I worked on this collage all day yesterday. I hate it. I hate that place in my head. That place screams loud because it is being fed CONSTANTLY. After working on this all day, I made a surprise appearance at one of my favorite kid's birthday party.
I played my saw for the first time in couple of months. At first I could barely get it to sing, and I was embarrassed. But after most of the people left, and I was playing alone, I was able to make it sing sweetly again.
I'm still in here, just really weighed down with worrying about the unknown. If my job were permanent, maybe it would be a little different. But it is just a matter of time before I am unemployed again. It took over 100 applications with only 3 call backs to get this one.
I have to remember to stay in the now. I spend too much mental energy on worrying about making the right decisions. I need to remember that I am Jenn Darby. Jenn Darby is amazing. A rare and magical being. Jenn Darby lands on her feet. When Jenn Darby stumbles, there is a strong safety net to catch her.
Now back to my mantra...
I am fine and dandy like cotton candy.
Love Life.
Be Art.
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